Read the list of statements below and click on those that you would like to know more about.

1. Something happened to me that I feel really bad about, but I don't think I'd call it sexual assault.
2. I was sexually assaulted three years ago and I thought I was doing OK. Now, I'm not so sure.
3. Yes, something happened, but it was with my friend, and he isn't a rapist.
4. I know that what happened to me should not have happened, but I can't help feeling guilty because I had been drinking and chose to let him come to my room.
5. At first my friends were really supportive, now they seem to think I should just "get over it."
6. What are my options for letting the person who did this know that what he did was wrong?
7. I've thought about going to the police, but I've seen all the stories on television about how sexual assault victims are treated and I don't want to go through that.
8. Where can I go for help?
9. How do I take care of myself?
10. Why don't you talk about women who victimize men?
11. Aren't women responsible for their actions too?
12. Aren't you taking this issue too seriously?
13. What can we do about the problem of sexual assault?

#1 - Something happened to me that I feel really bad about, but I don't think I'd call it sexual assault.

This is a very common feeling expressed by women (or men) seeking support for difficult experiences that they just don't know how to handle. Often what brings them in to talk to someone is the fact that they've been going along, doing their best to handle all the ins and outs, ups and downs of life, and have come to the realization that they really are more affected by some experience they've had than they were aware of. Sometimes it's prompted by something much more intense -- like their own surprising reaction to some new situation or person who comes into their lives.

In these situations, its not unusual for a woman to say that she knew she had had a bad experience, but she never really thought of it as a sexual assault, or a rape. In fact, this is such a common thing that there is even a book published with the title I Never Called It Rape, by Robin Warshaw. This title came from what researchers found while studying the experiences of thousands of college students across the United States. They found that one out of four of the college women who participated in the study answered positively to questions which asked about experiences which meet the legal definition of rape or attempted rape, yet when asked specifically about being raped, the women would say they hadn't classified their experiences in that way.

What's really significant about this is that the respondents (or survivors who come in for support) report having all the same reactions to their experiences which have been identified as "Rape Trauma Syndrome." So, without even knowing that there is a name for what they're experiencing, the women are having to do their best to manage all of the difficult things that are normal reactions to the traumatic experience of sexual assault.

Have you ever.

• Had sex with someone when you weren't really sure you wanted to?
• Been forced to have sex with someone because you weren't asked if you were willing or were ignored when you said NO?
• Been in a situation where you felt you had to have sex because the other person just wouldn't stop?
• Been told by a date or partner that something was wrong with you because you didn't agree to sex?
• Had sex with someone because you were drunk or stoned?
• Had sex with someone because you had been threatened with violence or with the person leaving you?

Answering Yes to any of these questions means.

• You have experienced forced sex.
• That the person is legally responsible for their actions.
• That you can report them so they don't do it again.
• That you can take responsibility for yourself to prevent it from happening again.

#2 -I was sexually assaulted three years ago and I thought I was doing OK. Now, I'm not so sure.

This, too, is a common reaction shared by victims/survivors of sexual assault. Human beings are remarkable -- each one handling our challenges according to the skills we've developed throughout our lives and the resources we've got available at any given point. Sexual assault survivors often take the time they need to build up their resources by putting the traumatic experience on a "back burner" for a while. In actuality, the victim/survivor chooses not to deal with the impact of the traumatic experience while developing toward a time and place when it will be possible to manage those issues. What often happens then is some event or situation will prompt a new level of awareness about what effect the experience is having, and that prompts a desire for more support.

The good news if you're in this situation is, while it probably doesn't feel like it right now, you actually are entering the next level of your ability to deal with this difficult experience. That's a statement of strength -- good for you! The important thing to do now is to go ahead and take that next step and seek out the support that is available to you.

#3 - Yes, something happened, but it was with my friend, and he isn't a rapist.

One of the most common myths about sexual assault is that it usually involves strangers, i.e. an unsuspecting woman walks down the street at night and a knife-wielding maniac jumps out from the alley. While that type of situation does happen, and represents a life-altering experience for victims, the vast majority of sexual assaults happen between people who know one another: The two students who notice each other in class and then run into each other at a party on the weekend, two people who live on different floors of the same residence hall, and unfortunately, "friends." It's not unusual for college students to describe having gone to educational programs presented in their residence halls with a group of friends and all joking about the information because "we knew these guys weren't the ones who would do that."

This common misconception about what constitutes "real rape" serves to both contribute to the vulnerability of potential victims because they don't view a potential threat for what it is, and to discourage victims from coming forward and taking advantage of the available resources due to self-talk such as "I don't have a right to call my experience 'rape' because it was just something that happened between me and my friend Joe." For an in-depth look at "Friends Raping Friends" explore what the Project on the Status and Education of Women found out about this subject.

In the landmark study conducted by researcher Mary Koss which was presented in the book I Never Called It Rape (see Question 1 of this site), one out of twelve college men admitted having behaved in ways which meet the legal definition of rape or attempted rape. Most of the time, these young men wouldn't label their own behavior as "sexual assault," but many factors go into the perception most of us have of what does and doesn't fit the definition of rape.

Common factors related to sexual assault vulnerability include:

• Sex role stereotypes
• Societal and peer pressure
• Unrealistic expectations for behavior
• Lack of honest communication between the sexes
• Uncertainty about values
• Lack of confidence and/or assertiveness skills
• Alcohol (and other drugs)

All of these things combined contribute to situations in which individuals are encouraged to act in ways that don't honor the rights and limits of each person. While most men would not choose to hurt women, unfortunately the ones who do are not always easily identifiable. As a guide for making the best choices possible regarding who you choose to get close to, you might want to keep in mind certain Red Flag Characteristics of abusive personalities.

For a powerful, contemporary look at the societal pressures which influence expectations on men's behavior including those which can lead to sexually abusive behavior toward others, you may want to explore the work of Jackson Katz, one of America's leading male anti-sexist activists. And, for more information specifically directed toward the factors relevant to college men and their choices regarding sexually abusive behaviors, we recommend Sexual Assault in Context: Teaching College Men About Gender, by Christopher Kilmartin.

#4 - I know that what happened to me should not have happened, but I can't help feeling guilty because I had been drinking and chose to let him come to my room.

Use of alcohol, or even drugs, increases the potential risk of sexual assault by diminishing the ability to recognize or escape a dangerous situation. Even if you have voluntarily used alcohol or drugs, the assault is still a crime.

Among the reactions that almost every survivor of sexual violence expresses is the feeling of guilt. We can look at issues surrounding media and societal messages that contribute to the self-blame, which are discussed in other parts of this web site, but the fact is that NOBODY has the right to force sexual activity on another person -- period!

The Code of Virginia states that it is a crime for anyone to engage in sexual activity "by force, threat or intimidation, .... or through the use of (another person's) mental incapacity or physical helplessness." The law interprets "physical helplessness" to mean the "unconsciousness or any other condition existing at the time of an offense, which otherwise rendered [the victim] physically unable to communicate an unwillingness to act and about which the accused knew or should have known."

All of this is to say: We know it can be difficult to honor your own experience by placing the "blame" on the person that you may have chosen to trust, but there really are practical supports for doing that. Also, in other sections of this web site there are references to the Old Dominion University Sexual Assault policy, which defines sexual assault in accordance with the law (Student Handbook), discussion of societal factors which contribute to sexual assault (Question 3), and suggestions for ways to make the healthiest possible choices in the future (Question 13). In the meantime, please try to acknowledge the difficulty you're having in the aftermath of your experience without being extra hard on yourself.

#5 - At first my friends were really supportive, now they seem to think I should just "get over it."

Unfortunately, this is an all-too-common experience among sexual assault survivors. To be fair to your friends and family, for the most part they don't know how to respond to this person they care about who is hurting (you!), and all they want is for you to feel better. In the process of trying to help, they often end up doing or saying the wrong things. Here is something you can share with them: Don't be afraid to ask for what you need from them. And if, after trying to enlist their support, you find that they just aren't able to provide what you need, explore other options for support from individuals who do understand and are prepared to help. Question 8 of this site offers a list of support services.

Helping a Friend Who is a Survivor of Sexual Violence

Acceptance and Support
Let your friend know that you believe her/him completely. Be careful in asking questions or making comments that could be interpreted as blaming your friend for what happened. Let them know that, whatever choices they might have made prior to the assault, no one had the right to commit a crime against them.

Listening
Allow your friend to tell you as much or as little of the details about what happened as she needs to at that time, without judgement or pushing. Let her know you will be there for her, whenever she's ready to talk, or if she simply needs someone close. Hold your anger about what happened to process with an appropriate support person later (always keeping in mind your friend's need for confidentiality) - you don't want her to feel that she needs to worry about how you're doing.

Encouragement
Help your friend to explore her options and support her choices for seeking assistance, whether it be through the medical, legal, or support service fields. In addition, seek support for yourself - the feelings of anger, confusion, and inadequacy about how to help can take their toll on you too.

Patience
Remain present to your friend over the long haul. It is tempting for victims/survivors of sexual violence (and their friends and loved ones) to want to "move on" and just "put it behind them." Unfortunately, that can cause individuals to try and bury their feelings and deny their need for support before they're ready. Continue to be available to your friend in the months (perhaps years) ahead. If you are her lover, give her the freedom and support she needs to take her time in gaining confidence and interest in intimacy again, while letting her know you do still love and want her when she is ready.

Education
Learn all you can about sexual assault and its aftermath, so that you can provide the kind of support most helpful to your friend. Also, learn about sexual assault in our society and become active in efforts to address the problem - through interactions with your own group of family and friends, and through community support services.

Gentleness and Kindness
We all can use as much of these as we can get. Thank you for being a good friend.

#6 - What are my options for letting the person who did this know that what he did was wrong?

Of course, everyone who experiences a sexual assault has the option of going through the criminal justice system. This would involve contacting the police and/or Commonwealth or District Attorney in the locality where the assault took place. If you think you may want to pursue this avenue, the sooner you contact the authorities, the better. There are certain evidence collection options that are available immediately following an assault which fade over time.

To be realistic, we must acknowledge the images that most of us have in our heads from media depictions of sexual assault regarding police and courts response. While those images can be close to reality, we also have come a long way as a society to better understand the aftermath of sexual assault and to respond more appropriately. To feel more confident of pursuing contact with your local police or criminal justice system representative, you may want to contact your local sexual assault support service (rape crisis center) and ask for assistance in making that contact. In the Hampton Roads area of Virginia, the local sexual assault support center is Response of the YWCA. (See Question 8) for more resources.

If the perpetrator of a sexual assault was an Old Dominion University student, you can use the University's Student Disciplinary process for asking for accountability. (Most colleges and universities have this option available to their students. See the Old Dominion Judicial Affairs Office.) This is an additional option that is available to those assaulted by a college student that isn't available to the general public. Some representatives of the criminal justice system don't support the idea that this option should be available to students and advocate for all victims/survivors of sexual violence to have to go through the local police and court system. For many who hold this view, their opinions have been formed through knowledge of colleges or universities which have not handled sexual assault reports adequately, and that is understandable. However, we support the concept of having an additional option available to Old Dominion University students because we view our students, faculty, and staff as a community which has adopted and chosen to adhere to a set of behavioral standards which recognizes the right of all members to be treated with respect and fairness. (See the Monarch Creed.)

One additional option for holding the perpetrator of sexual violence accountable that is becoming more and more available to survivors is the civil court option. Whether or not the criminal court system is utilized or is successful in pursuing charges against a perpetrator, the civil suit may present an additional opportunity for redress. Check with your local sexual assault support services center or legal referral services for suggestions of lawyers who may be appropriate sources for a civil suit.

#7 - I've thought about going to the police, but I've seen all the stories on television about how sexual assault victims are treated and I don't want to go through that.

This is certainly an understandable concern. We do have too many examples in the media and in reality of sexual assault survivors being treated poorly by those who are supposed to be of service to them. Although sexual assault is a serious charge that places a defendant in great jeopardy, it is also a crime that can carry a painful stigma for the victim. Several statutes (Rape Shield Laws) were designed to encourage victims to come forward, while also protecting the rights of the accused. Victims in Virginia do not have to prove physical resistance or that they cried out, evidence of the reputation of a victim's sexual conduct will be inadmissible, and preliminary hearings for offenses may be closed to the public. Additionally, the portion of the records of a court or police department which contains the victim's name shall be witheld from public inspection, deemed not to be of public record.

We have also made some large strides in helping the professionals who are in positions of support to sexual assault victims better understand the importance of awareness and sensitivity to individual survivors' needs. The federal Violence Against Women Act directed much national energy and resources toward training of these professionals, as well as providing for the development of a variety of support services. Often the treatment received by a survivor of sexual assault depends on the sensitivity of the individual service provider. If you think you would like to try talking to the police, try not to let your fear keep you from exploring your options. Enlist the support of your local rape crisis center and make the call, they often provide victim advocates to assist clients involved in the criminal justice system to offer support during every stage of the process. (See Question 8 for how to find your local rape crisis center.)

#8 - Where can I go for help?

At Old Dominion University, there are many people in a variety of offices ready to provide sensitive and appropriate support for students with sexual assault related issues.

• The Women's Center, S.A.F.E. Coordinator, for support and consideration of options, (757) 683-4109.
• ODU Public Safety, for formal or informal reporting and investigation, as well as 24-hour emergency assistance, (757) 683-4000.
• Response Sexual Assault Support Services of the YWCA, 24-hour hotline and companion assistance, (757) 622-4300.
• ODU Student Health Services, for medical testing, emergency contraception (pregnancy prevention) and follow-up (NOT EVIDENCE GATHERING). Remember, there is a 72-hour window for emergency contraception, (757) 683-3132.
• Hospital Emergency Room, for medical assistance and evidence gathering. If the incident happened within the last 72 hours, physical evidence recovery for criminal processes may still be effective and must be done at a hospital, preferably a hospital with a S.A.N.E. (Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners) program. In Hampton Roads, the hospitals with S.A.N.E. programs are: Sentara Leigh (for incidents which happened in Norfolk, Leigh is the hospital of choice), Chesapeake General, Maryview, and Newport News Riverside. If transportation to a medical facility is needed, call Public Safety, (757) 683-4000.
• ODU Counseling Services, for follow-up counseling, (757) 683-4401.
• ODU Campus Judicial/Disciplinary System is available when the assailant is a student, through the office of the Dean of Students, (757) 683-4984.

More detailed description of the services available through each of these offices is available in the Student Handbook.

If you are in a location other than Hampton Roads, Virginia, you may want to check with your local sexual assault support service organization. For a listing of all the rape crisis centers in Virginia, check the Virginians Aligned Against Sexual Assault (VAASA) web site. To find a listing for sexual assault support centers in other states, check the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline web site.

There are a number of other web sites offering support to survivors of sexual violence. You will want to explore all your options. Here are a few suggestions to get you started.

• Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence ~ www.cpsdv.org
• National Violence Against Women Office ~ www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo
• Welcome to Barbados, a Tori Amos inspired site for rape and sexual abuse survivors ~ www.welcometobarbados.org
• Virginians Against Domestic Violence ~ www.vadv.org

#9 - How do I take care of myself?

Believe in yourself
What someone did to you was not your fault! No matter what choices you may have made prior to the assault, no one has the right to force any sexual activity on another person (that's why the law says it's a crime). If you want to look at ways you might do things differently next time to keep yourself safe, great, but let go of any guilt or shame!

Tell someone
One of the things that seems to help the most is getting some support for what you're going through. Telling a friend, family member, or professional support person can help to "normalize" the feelings you're having. If the first person you tell isn't helpful, choose someone else and keep telling until you get what you need. You deserve kindness and respect through this challenging time.

Explore your options
There are many choices available to you to help you on your healing journey. Talking to someone who can let you know about all of your options and help you brainstorm which is the best for you can make the process feel less overwhelming.

Give yourself time
You have been through a traumatic experience; it makes sense that it will take some time to work through it. Friends and family, and you yourself, may get to the point of thinking you "should" be over it by now. Don't go there! Your process is your own and you deserve whatever time it takes to heal.

Be active
Being active can be beneficial in several ways. Physical activity that promotes health and well-being can assist you in feeling "back to normal." In addition, being active in efforts to raise awareness of sexual assault-related issues can empower you to feel that you are contributing to a healthier future for yourself and your friends.

Be kind to yourself!
We often scare ourselves with mental messages about what's "wrong" with us or what we "should" be doing. There is no evidence that that is a productive process. What does work in moving us along to a healthier level of functioning is to be gentle in embracing our difficult times and issues. Give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling and know that you're working through an important time in your life which will lead to a stronger place for you.

#10 - Why don't you talk about women who victimize men?

In most cases of sexual assault, men are the perpetrators. In almost all cases where men are sexually assaulted, they are sexually assaulted by other men. When women are the perpetrators, the victims are almost always children. About 5% of child sexual assault are committed by women. Statistics of male victims are difficult to ascertain because sadly, for males caught in this tragedy not of their own making, report rates are almost non-existent. Instead of needed understanding they confront profound misunderstanding in a culture that values invulnerability and denial of pain as essential qualities of manliness. Men simply are not encouraged, in our culture, to admit that they have been sexually exploited and abused! It is estimated that about three percent of American men -- a total of 2.78 million men-have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. In 2001, one in every ten rape victims were male.

#11 - Aren't women responsible for their actions too?

Absolutely! However, women cannot be held responsible for the actions of men. For example, imagine that a woman gets involved in a strip poker game with four men. After drinking beer and playing poker all night, she finally passes out half-naked on the floor. She is perfectly safe as long as the men around her consider her to be a human being-not an object or piece of entertainment. Even though this could be considered to be irresponsible behavior, she is only responsible for what she causes. She is responsible for her hangover or if she catches cold or hits her head on her way to the floor. She cannot be responsible for the actions of those men if they sexually assault her because she does not cause THEIR actions or control THEIR intentions. You may think that her behavior is really stupid, and she is responsible for her choices, but she is not responsible for an assault.

NO ONE is responsible for someone else's violent behavior. How someone dresses, allowing one's date to pay for a romantic meal, and even going back to someone's house is NOT an invitation for sexual contact. Unless one clearly says "yes", assume one means "no"!

#12 -Aren't you taking this issue too seriously?

Sexual assault is the most frequently committed crime in the world. In many countries, police and soldiers use assault against women as a form of torture because it is most effective for humiliating, degrading and dehumanizing their victims. Nationally, a person is sexually assaulted every 2-3 minutes. The U.S. has the highest rate of rape in any country that published such statistics, 13 times higher than in Great Britain and 20 times higher than in Japan. As a society, we do not take this issue seriously enough.

#13 - What can we do about the problem of sexual assault?

Remember:

You have a right to take care of yourself and not be pushed by others to do things you're not comfortable doing. Trust your instincts and act on your convictions.

If someone is trying to get you to do something you're not comfortable with, it shows they are not respecting you, (and you can move on, choosing to only be with someone who will respect you).

People can enjoy kissing and hugging (making out) without intending to "go all the way." It's important that both participants be clear about what is expected to happen.

Speak honestly and directly about your expectations, and listen carefully to what the other person is saying she or he wants.

Whenever someone forces another to do something sexual that they don't want to do, it is always the "fault" of the one doing the forcing, no matter what the circumstances.

Clarify confusing messages and don't make assumptions about an individual's intentions based on dress or behavior. Also, be aware of the messages others may be getting through your style of dress or behavior and be prepared to dispel any misinterpretations.

Support your friends -- when you go together, leave together -- have this be the standard rule. New acquaintances can always make plans to meet up at another time.

Be alert to what is going on around you. If you're going to use substances, be aware that they will impair your judgement.

Get involved in efforts to learn more about sexual assault and promote awareness among your friends. It will take all of us working together to build a healthier, more respectful society.